


Dreams of What Once Was

by youngbek



Category: Torchwood
Genre: A bit tragic-ish, Actually tragic this time, Angst, Depression, F/M, Fluff, M/M, early morning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-03-23 11:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3766138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngbek/pseuds/youngbek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto spends an early morning with Lisa a month before the battle of Canary Wharf. Ianto/Lisa fluff. Might have another chapter featuring Janto.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ianto stood, leaning on the wall at the foot of his bed in the bedroom of his small London flat. He was watching a calmly sleeping Lisa Hallett. She was naked, covered only in a thin sheet that was slowly slipping from her thin frame. Her chest rose and fell at a steady rhythm, then faster as she began to wake. She blinked her eyes open. Her vision was blurry from the long night of disuse. She let herself adjust and, seeing a dark figure at in the room, she bolted forward in surprise. Just before she would have begun searching for a weapon, she realized it was her long term boyfriend. She settled back down and dramatically hoisted the sheets over her chest.

"Stop staring, you creep" She joked. Ianto completely ignored this and continued to admire her. She rolled her eyes and playfully scoffed at him.

"Marry me" He eventually said. Lisa's eyebrows shot up to her hairline in surprise. His face was impassive, and held no relation to the significance of what he just said.

"What?!" She asked incredulously. This was not something she expected first thing in the morning, especially from Ianto. He wasn't the spontaneous type, he left that to Lisa most of the time.

"Marry me" He restated, still not faking the nonchalant air in his voice.

"Do you really think this is the best time for a proposal?" She laughed out, smoothing down her cropped black hair that was sticking out from sleep.

"I'm not proposing. Think of it like a promise. I promise that one day I will properly get a ring, get on one knee and all that bollocks and propose".

"Oh, so it's not that ridiculous a statement. Are you drunk?"

"It's 6 a.m." He chuckled.

"You wake up earlier than me. Who knows what you're up to" He ignored her light jab.

"What would you say?"

"What?"

"What would you say if I proposed?"

"Isn't the point to wait and find out?" She rolled her eyes for the second time that morning.

"Humor me" He requested, giving her that puppy look that she couldn't resist.

"Fine. I'd say yes, you big dumbo". Ianto attempted to suppress a grin and failed. It was one of the few times that she had seen his teeth. Genuine emotion was rare on his face, and appeared even less when he thought someone would see. It was one of the most frustrating things of their entire relationship, but Lisa was glad to endure it.

"You're gorgeous" She observed. His eyes met hers, and they held that sparkle that she could never manage to get used to.

"You're not too bad yourself" He paused, wondering if he should say what he was about to say. He decided to throw caution to the wind and continue. "Mrs. Jones". He finished.

She giggled and covered her face into the rose colored sheets, throwing herself back onto the bed.

"God, think of the children!" She exclaimed. Ianto crossed the room and sat next to her, worrying the fabric covering her shoulder between two fingers.

"What would we call them" He prompted, feeling particularly sentimental due to the early hour, or lack of coffee yet today.

"I've always liked Aggie for girls."

"And for boys?"

"Noel." She answered after pondering for only a moment.

"I'll teach them Welsh"

"Of course, but not as their first language. No inside jokes either" He chuckled in response. They both knew it would happen anyway. "And they're not allowed to drink coffee until they're 13" She added, knowing Ianto would feed them coffee out of a bottle if he could."

"10" Ianto said, looking highly affronted at depriving their children of his deepest obsession. Lisa hesitated for a moment.

"12" She wagered.

"Deal" He conceded, but didn't seem happy about it.

"They'd get into the best schools" She said, knowing that they'd be sure to gain a good mind from the both of them. Ianto was quiet for a few seconds, and when he did speak again it was more somber than before.

"We'd love them. No matter what" Ianto finished with a distantly sad look in his eyes. Lisa saw it and leaned upwards, kissing him on his cheek, then jawline. Slowly the distance faded from him, and he gave her a soft, sad smile.

"We should probably get ready for work" He said. His moment had broken the spell on them. He got up off the bed, kissing her on the forehead as he did.

"Do we have to? It's bloody freezing out there" Lisa sighed as Ianto rolled his eyes. She did this every morning, he didn't know whether to find it annoying or endearing.

"You know Hartman will want us there to prepare for the Ghost Shift" He tried to convince her. His voice had an edge to it that chilled Lisa briefly. It was no secret to her that Ianto hated the ghosts that had shown up over the past three weeks. The thought of the dead coming back was horrible to him, and she had no idea why. She thought of his father coming back, in Newport. It was a wonder to her that he wasn't excited that he had a chance to talk to him again, but she didn't push it. All in good time with Ianto.

"I know, I know. I swear, she's bloody obsessed" She sighed.

"All for Queen and country" He mocked his boss in a pompous voice, though there was little humor to it. "I'll go make the coffee" he added, and left the room.

Lisa sighed and heaved herself off the bed, thudding her way to the bathroom to start a hot shower that Ianto had learned not to interrupt if he didn't want to get burned. She listened to him bustling in the kitchen, lightly humming to himself. It was good to see that the mood hadn't entirely left him.

Yes, she thought, she would definitely say yes. Whenever Ianto chose to ask.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto wakes up alone and is forced to confront his demons.

Ianto jolted, sweat slowly making its way down his forehead. He was breathing quickly, and he tried to rein it under control before he woke Jack. The immortal had his arms wrapped around the younger man’s waist. He was gently snoring into his side, and groaned in his sleep as Ianto tried to release himself from his grasp.

Finally he retched Jack’s fingers from his hips, sure that a bruise would be present in the morning. He rolled from the bed as softly as he could and quietly padded to the adjoining bathroom. He closed the door behind himself before flicking on the light switch. He stared through tightly squinting eyes at his reflection in the mirror.

He looked awful. A shadow of facial hair peppered his chin, and his hair was plastered in other-worldly shapes. His eyes had thick red rims around them that proved he had been crying in his sleep again. A few dark colored hickeys from the previous night that had yet to fade contrasted in the fluorescent lighting with his pale skin. He closed his eyes at the image. It was in these moments that the hard shell had yet to be put on, and he was truly himself. The only problem was, he didn’t recognize the man he would see if he dare reopen his eyes.

He sighed and forced himself to stare into the mirror again. His eyes looked hollow, like the eyes of a dead man. He shuddered as the imagery brought up too much. He used to picture himself dead. He wondered how he would look after being on the wrong end of a gun, or torn by weevils in the streets. He had no fantasies about looking serene after death, he had seen too many corpses throughout his life. He knew the gaping, empty look that marred the expression of every dead person. He knew even the memory of the most lively person could be replaced by the torn, broken scene of their death.

He had sworn he’d gotten better in the last year. The veil was lifted more than half the time, and the rats scrambling in his stomach had all but ceased. He hated that he still had these mornings. He wished he could make it stop.

In these dimly lit hours before the world woke he forgot entirely what it was to be happy. He knew it must have happened, but he couldn’t remember the feeling of it. It was like no time had passed since the loss of Lisa. The lack of sleep made him unable to think of many things at a time, and guilt racked every thought that he had.

He thought of Jack in the other room, sleeping softly in his bed. A cruel pang hit his heart mixed with affection that he had never wanted to be there. Life with Jack was so intense and there was never an extreme in just one direction. There was admiration and irritation, both burning to be the most prominent emotion, neither shaking free of the other. Somehow the negative was always worth it, and the positive always held a shadow of doubt. When he was with the man it was blinding, and all he could see was him.

Being with Jack was like being on drugs. When he was away it was like withdrawal. Every fiber of his being wanted to be back in his arms. When they were together it was like it was the only time he had ever felt alive in his life. It felt like he hadn’t known the meaning of love until that very moment.

While the affection would swell through him, guilt would tear into him. He had known the meaning of love before. There was never a moment since he met her that he wasn’t in love with Lisa. He was still in love with her. He still cried for her, when Jack got up in the middle of the night to stand on a roof, or when he was in the shower that his lover hadn’t snuck into.

With Lisa it was simple. It was a total eclipsing love. There was no resentment or doubt. There was little grief. There was no worry of the future. He never thought of her outliving him, or even him outliving her. Torchwood One was worlds different than Three. It was a nine to five, healthcare, pension kind of place that was nothing but fairytale to anyone who spent more than a week in the Cardiff branch.

He was going to propose. He still kept the ring in his night stand. If Jack ever found it, or asked about it he would say it belong to his grandmother, and that she gave it to him before passing away in her sleep years back. He would spin an entire ridiculous tale about her so that Jack would never need to ask again. He’d never even met his grandmother.

He supposed he felt guilty about that, too. He’d told too many lies to Jack. He knew Jack had probably told even more, but that hardly made him feel better. He knew there were a few things that the immortal couldn’t say, and a few that he would in the right time. Ianto understood all of the lies and secrets that were held and told by his captain. He knew that lies circled their relationship like sharks, waiting for one big enough to feast upon them.

Yet he knew it was all worth it when the sun came up in the morning. When his alarm went off and he turned to face his lover he would manage to feel better. Some nights he might end up back here but somehow Jack was still worth it. He would always be worth it.

He started the tap and ran his hands under it, letting the cold of the water bring feeling back into him. He brought his chilled hands up to his face and began rubbing at his eyes. Slowly the red faded from the rims of them, and his chest felt clearer. He rubbed at his scalp, feeling the skin loosen and the hair fall back into a manageable place. He met his eyes in the mirror and worked the mask back onto his face, forcing himself to look like the man he made himself into months ago.

Once he was sure that he couldn’t even see a crack in his facade, he turned off the bathroom light. He took a deep breath before opening the door and feeling his way back to his side of the bed. He sank back next to Jack, keeping his distance the best he could. He stared, unwaveringly at the clock and watched the minutes tick away. Mind blank as hours passed and the sun brought a dim half-light into the room. Suddenly the alarm sounded and he felt Jack stir next to him, ready to start the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is one last chapter left in this, and I promise the ending is a lot more happy than this one :). Thanks for reading and remember to leave any feedback you'd like to.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto finally talks to Jack about Lisa.

Slowly Jack blinked open his eyes and attempted to peer through the darkness of Ianto’s bedroom. He stretched out the arm that wasn’t pinned underneath the young Welshman. Glancing about the darkened room, he checked the clock. It was almost four in the morning. He groaned and turned on his side, trying not to twist his arm and wake Ianto.

It wasn’t every night that Jack truly slept. Mostly he would doze, still aware of every creak and every shift of the young man fast asleep next to him. Rarely would he sleep, shutting out the world around him in favor of dreams of what once was, and what could have been.

Some nights, like tonight, he would lay, propped up on his elbow and watch his lover sleep. He adored the way the young man’s face looked without the deep bags around his eyes, when the years upon years’ worth of stress melted from him.

Jack tuned his breathing to Ianto’s, taking deep breaths in before huffing it all out in a slow steady rhythm. He all but held his breath as Ianto stirred, snuggling closer to his pillow and cracking his mouth open slightly in a silent gape. After a few minutes a bit of drool hung, suspended over the linen of his sheets. The older man lightly chuckled at him, so young and childish in sleep.

Suddenly, his face began to screw up in protest to whatever dream he was having as it turned swiftly into a nightmare. His breathing became quick and harsh and he whimpered and mumbled pleads in his native Welsh. Jack cursed himself for never learning the language. He never spoke to Jack about his bad dreams, and Jack knew at this point not to question it. The only hints he could get were on nights like this, when the young man would speak and cry in his sleep before springing awake with a yell. Every word was a jumble of syllables that made no sense to Jack, and he had no way of finding out what he was saying. He supposed he could ask Gwen, but he doubted Ianto would ever forgive him if he found out about that.

From the grumbled grunts of Welsh came a single word that Jack recognized.

“Lisa” Jack felt a swift shock of electricity stab directly into his heart. The name was coated in guilt and regret that he thought he had worked through over the last year. He regretted not helping Ianto more after what had happened on that awful night all those months and restless nights ago. He thought he had helped a little, but obviously if Ianto was still having these dreams it wasn’t enough.

Ianto’s groans had become faster and with a final scream he bolted upright in his bed. Jack leapt forth to grab onto his shoulders, trying to calm him before his panic got out of control. The Welshman swung out blindly, about to shove his lover off of him until he realized who was attached steadfastly to his side.

“Jack” He gasped out, throat just barely hoarse. He cleared his throat and fought back all of the feelings that threatened to swell up again as the memories of his dreams came flooding back to him. “Sorry” He mumbled out as briefly as he could before turning his back to the older man and laying back down.

“It’s okay” Jack soothed, laying closely behind him, rubbing his arm gently. “What’s going on?” 

“’S nothing Jack, go back to sleep.” He wasn’t surprised at the response, or the shrug that followed it. He couldn’t blame his lover for his secrecy, especially regarding Lisa, but he wished he’d open up to him. Maybe the only way to get him talking would be to force his hand.

“You said her name. While you were sleeping” Ianto stiffened next to him, and shuffled farther away from his grasp. “Please. Maybe it’ll help.”

He heard rather than felt the young heartbroken man’s scoff. It was clear that he didn’t think anything would help. Eventually the silence became too much for him as he finally spoke up.

“I just can’t help but thinking” He began, voice shaking as he tried to keep any sort of emotion from it. “If she were alive and well, not controlled by that monster, would she hate me?”

“Ianto?” Jack asked, not sure how he could think the woman that once held his heart would ever think he was to blame.

“Would she be angry at me for what happened, and what I’ve done since?” He whispered, turning over onto his other side, and looking hesitantly into his lover’s eyes. Jack stroked his arm, hoping that he would continue to talk to him and trying to comfort him in any way that he could.

“Of course not. She would have understood” Jack assured him. As soon as he said it he knew that the words were empty to him.

“You never even knew her” Ianto scoffed.

“No, but you loved her. She must have been pretty great”

“She was”

A few more minutes passed and the uncomfortable atmosphere grew ever tenser between them. Just as Jack thought that Ianto had fallen asleep once again he heard, faintly Ianto speak.

“I was going to marry Lisa” Jack waited for him to go on. If Ianto were to ever give him information about her it would be now, and he was hungry for any knowledge of Ianto, present or past. “We had a whole conversation about how our future was going to turn out. She didn’t know, but I already had the ring when it all happened at the Wharf. We were going to be happy.” The immortal man felt guilt settle into himself once again. He had stolen the last hope of him being with her, even if it was already impossible.

“Torchwood One wasn’t like how it is here. It was a ‘have two kids in a high-rise, draw pension early’ kind of place.” He paused for a few seconds as he thought about the life he had lost, the life he would never had the chance to have. Jack waited, and just as he was about to speak, Ianto went on, “I still have the ring”

Jack kissed Ianto on the forehead and stroked his arm, attempting to comfort him.

“Tell me about the life you would have had.” Jack prodded with caution. Ianto looked at him with concern, not sure if he should tell him. Eventually he decided he didn’t see the harm, and steeled himself, not allowing his voice to even hint at a waver.

“I had the proposal all planned out. We would go to dinner, a swanky, expensive place so that she knew something was up. Then we’d go for a walk along the Thames, ending in a cute little ice cream shop that I knew she would love. Then we would go home and watch a shit romantic movie, and by the end of the night she would be so frustrated that I hadn’t done it. That’s when I’d pull out the ring.” He glanced up at Jack and was surprised to find a lopsided grin adorned on his face.

“Tell me about the wedding” He whispered, and if Ianto didn’t know better, he would have guessed that he was falling asleep. It was nice to finally talk to him about the woman that would have been his wife, so he continued.

“We’d get married in autumn. She would complain about the cold, but still want the ceremony outside so that she could be surrounded by the different colored leaves. Apart from that I wouldn’t know. She kept some magazine clippings for weddings but she’d never let me see it. But it’d be beautiful. She would’ve been beautiful.” Jack breathed in a shaky breath at the same time Ianto had, and he couldn’t bare to look into his eyes again, lest he lose all self-control.

“And the kids?” Jack questioned, and the young Welshman wondered how far his lover was going to take this.

“Why are you so interested?” Ianto asked chancing a look in Jack’s direction.

“I’ve just never thought of it for myself, is all”

“How do you mean?”

“I just was never interested in having a family before all this. I was still young, still seeing the universe, so I never bothered. Then when I became immortal, I just started to think it was impossible for me to really have a family.” He paused before continuing, still not used to letting out this much information about himself to his team.

“I have a daughter, but it’s not as if that was planned” Jack waited for the news to settle. Ianto stopped his musings on Lisa and focused in on Jack, allowing himself to soak in the knowledge. “I loved Lucia, her mother, but not in the way… I wasn’t in love with her. We were just messing around. When she told me she was pregnant she was crying. I almost cried, too” Ianto grabbed onto Jack’s hand when he thought he wouldn’t continue. “I just thought of what kind of life that child would have, raised by Torchwood with me as a father. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.” He gave a weak chuckle “Lucia found out a few months later that I couldn’t die. A week later she had turned in her resignation. A few days and she had gone into witness protection. I almost never saw her, or Alice, but when I did she was cold, and distant. Like I was a bomb just waiting to go off. I suppose that some of that rubbed off on Alice, as well. She grew up, got married, had a son, divorced, all without me. He mum died just a few years ago, heart disease, and I don’t think Alice has forgiven me for that. As if it’s my fault that I can’t make the people I love live forever, too.”

A few minutes passed in silence and Ianto solemnly considered Jack’s words. He shuffled closer to the man lying across from his until they were flush to together.

“It’s not.” He said as he rubbed at the much older man’s back. “It’s not your fault.”

“I know” He said in response, but dimly the Welshman was aware that he was lying. He pulled back only slightly to look into his lover’s eyes. For a few seconds they locked eyes, both understanding the lie, and the fact that neither of them wanted to address it further.

Ianto nodded, so small it was almost perceivable, and tucked his head back into the crook of Jack’s shoulder. With his hand still rubbing his back, he started to write small letters of love on it. It slowly began slowing and slowing until it stopped. Jack risked a glance down, and found the younger man fast asleep. He sighed and put let his head sink back into his pillow, ready to try to get more sleep for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last bit of this particular fic, but I plan to have more out soon. Sorry for taking so long.

**Author's Note:**

> How is it? I might add another chapter later with Jack and Ianto.
> 
> This was meant to be about a month and a half before the Battle of Canary Wharf, so it's not TOO tragic.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Every review is appreciated!


End file.
